ma...

ma.....
one word that means soo much..
one word that has left me with a broken, alone, depressed and insecure me.
one word that has carved my heart with ache..
the ache that has grown day by day..
the word that has caused soo much pain ever since i've known..
the pain that can never be put into words..
soo much in one word that i've always missed, longed for..
the word that has made me a kid at heart, forever..
one word that could have made a different me..
a pefect one, that i try to be, but not..
maybe, i can't help it..
one word that could have let me be what i really am from within..
when things don't go my way and i start digging what went wrong..
it all leads to the same one word..
one word that has made me forever lost in time..
in search of the lost time..
perhaps, the time that i never ever have had but assume to have..
i have no true form of this word..
this one word..
but i strongly believe that this one word is what that holds the key to pure love..
the love that everyone truly needs..
the love that makes the world go on..
the love i have always looked up for in everyone i have with..
in every relationship..
for the love that i have never had enough of..
or, never have had..
and that could have been the reason why, i have no one close to me..
a very few ones i love..

and for why i keep off from the world..

it might also be the reason why i value human emotions a lot more..
and also for why i give the same love for anyone and everyone i find for me..

and i don't try it with intention at all..
it automatically reciprocates from the true me..
and with this word, lies my whole being..
and one thing i'm clear about is that nobody is to be blamed..
neither me, nor god..
and this has made me a stonger person, i beleive, to have never expected anyone for any of my needs..

not even god..
and this may sound a little egoistic.. a lot, can say..
and i don't have any regrets for it..
alas, that is what i am..
my life., has not been a picture perfect one right from the start..
soo much of truth, soo many moments, and a very few people..
has played a vital role in my life..
i also realise now, that this is why i react and am bond too much with emotions..
when i think what more to say, i have soo many blanks..

and if i try to figure out the leftouts, i could only say i love this word..

the ideal meaning this word holds..

i love it intensely.. i need it desperately.. i miss it badly..
there are times, when i sit thinking and thinking..
and now, understanding the most i can, i have a clear vision of the reality..
of the untold mysteries of my life..
and i have come to know that i can do nothing., but accept what may come..
just think and only think..
and also feel for..
with tears.. not from my eyes..
but from my inner self..

with open arms, not to hold me tight..

but atleast to give a hand..

with a space, in my life, heart, world..

that can never be filled by anyone, but just that one word..

which i know now, that even that cannot bring me back..
all this... all this.. i know that i always will have..
with a smiling face and weeping heart..
and with no go to heal..
the only word that will sound forever will be..
the one word..
the only word..

ma....