Friday, May 20, 2011
is blogger kinda ma counselor?
yes. i feel so. i have come to know that though i dont get here as often as i wish and all the i times i actually want to, the occasion mostly falls when i am feeling dump and worse than when i am at my good moods that rarely peeps in. i cant call this place my friend because a friend should be the who you would rush to share both ups and downs. but with holding its share only with the above mentioned times, i prefer to name this spot of mine as my 'COUNSELOR'.
Friday, April 9, 2010
never ever..
never ever knew would have days like these.. its worsen.. the utmost. its killing the already dead.. it is not just what i am going through right away. but the fact that is very well screened right in front that all my upcoming days has to be so. i can't handle or take it anymore. have had enough. i know there is noway to get out of this spell.. can say the maze that has no end point.. i am out of masks to sport here after. the reality dominates. it has took over the whole of me. hate it the most.. hate everything..
Monday, February 15, 2010
imperfect me...
imperfect me...
it is titled so as this post is a self realization note of myself of all the times i remember. i remember means, right from the age of 3 as i am a heavy holder\loader of memories. had actually gone through too many options for the title. with all the recollections of myself in the full length of my stay and acknowledging the deepest me, i had titles like bad, ugly and the worst, self realization, the other side and so on in the list. but at last i felt a simple word would fit in better.
to begin with a wider view, i have to remind that almost the entire of us do not indeed realize who we are , what we need or even what we are up to. and when it is personal, reality always falls out of focus. and to point out, what is right and what not is left to our private view only up to an extend. but that is completely forgotten in this fast paced going. kindness, love and care have become some of the limited editions of today's human condition. the intense essence of living is almost extinct and all kinds of fake substance are believed to be the essentials of survival in the name of practicality. watching movies like tare zameen par and anbe sivam stirs your inner most self leaving you with a transparent view of the basics to a complete person and actual living. still, the race gives its call and we are pulled towards our commitments and competitions to mark our foot prints in the history. and in the pull, completeness falls back.
whatever, the title of this post absolutely claims personally and what i feel i genuinely am. and this is a matter of fact that i have started catching upon only in the recent times. from deep within and with all my conscience i declare that i have turned even the utmost rotten part of me at several situations of this twenty five years of journey. there have been times when nothing was cared or seemed to matter in my world, from both sides. mine and the people around me. that was the way i have gone through most of my life span. gratitude, loyalty, kindness, love, ethics. i had no definition for these words. to put it in other words and to come up with the fact, it can even be said as, i had none to give one.. life has not been kind to me and so was i to all.. never knew the destination which automatically did not put me under any kind of pressure or force to chose the path. elements that mattered to me the most and considered to be the essential part of living and could not do without but unfortunately was not blessed with, made me run in search of all the while and clocked up my whole space, keeping me apart from the standard lifestyle. the bitter part of this status was that i never let anyone know what i was going through in real as i had no one who had time for me and so with no other choice, i wore not just a single mask to keep me off from the world, but a ton that i pathetically had to, even after realizing none of it fitted me.. one factor i want to particularly be detailed about is with the phase no one who had time for me. i consider myself that much cursed and damned for not just i was defected with complications but in and all of my private society and situations were put under the same darkness. hopeless and helpless was my world. no ray of positiveness. despite the fact that i was accompanied with all fair and decent convenience, advantages and bonds, i was not fortunate enough to avail all of its resources. sometimes having everything doesn't indeed mean you have it all. blessed are the ones who possess every bit of it just simple as that!
although i have seemed to be an active individual in daily activities, i always have truly been left all alone with my inner self right from I've known. fighting within me., with me., for me., to be me. the mission almost became an impossible one to succeed. it still is and seems like will always be.. yet, the battle and action never did take a break and has nearly not just become a part of me, but has completely jammed me full. comparatively, i am far fitting and exceptional in this two years time than ever before. again, that doesn't mean i am acceptable. though not through behavior or activities, it has taken an intimate root that can be thoroughly sensed and felt. all the shattering, disheartening, ruins, confusions, depressions, nuisances and mishaps that i am responsible for, do deserve my apologies. but then, expressions that fall out of time express nothing. and at times, leave an unexpected effect. estimating all the reactions, i have left behind the past.
schooling the facts and the bottom line of my survival has been such a burdensome course that is going to ever last.. thus swallowing the indigestible, i am on the serious move through which i wish at least not to mess up or make it uneasy for the rest anymore. the repenting, hopeless, worthless, disgusting, unacceptable, corrupted, sinful creature in short i am the imperfect me.
it is titled so as this post is a self realization note of myself of all the times i remember. i remember means, right from the age of 3 as i am a heavy holder\loader of memories. had actually gone through too many options for the title. with all the recollections of myself in the full length of my stay and acknowledging the deepest me, i had titles like bad, ugly and the worst, self realization, the other side and so on in the list. but at last i felt a simple word would fit in better.
to begin with a wider view, i have to remind that almost the entire of us do not indeed realize who we are , what we need or even what we are up to. and when it is personal, reality always falls out of focus. and to point out, what is right and what not is left to our private view only up to an extend. but that is completely forgotten in this fast paced going. kindness, love and care have become some of the limited editions of today's human condition. the intense essence of living is almost extinct and all kinds of fake substance are believed to be the essentials of survival in the name of practicality. watching movies like tare zameen par and anbe sivam stirs your inner most self leaving you with a transparent view of the basics to a complete person and actual living. still, the race gives its call and we are pulled towards our commitments and competitions to mark our foot prints in the history. and in the pull, completeness falls back.
whatever, the title of this post absolutely claims personally and what i feel i genuinely am. and this is a matter of fact that i have started catching upon only in the recent times. from deep within and with all my conscience i declare that i have turned even the utmost rotten part of me at several situations of this twenty five years of journey. there have been times when nothing was cared or seemed to matter in my world, from both sides. mine and the people around me. that was the way i have gone through most of my life span. gratitude, loyalty, kindness, love, ethics. i had no definition for these words. to put it in other words and to come up with the fact, it can even be said as, i had none to give one.. life has not been kind to me and so was i to all.. never knew the destination which automatically did not put me under any kind of pressure or force to chose the path. elements that mattered to me the most and considered to be the essential part of living and could not do without but unfortunately was not blessed with, made me run in search of all the while and clocked up my whole space, keeping me apart from the standard lifestyle. the bitter part of this status was that i never let anyone know what i was going through in real as i had no one who had time for me and so with no other choice, i wore not just a single mask to keep me off from the world, but a ton that i pathetically had to, even after realizing none of it fitted me.. one factor i want to particularly be detailed about is with the phase no one who had time for me. i consider myself that much cursed and damned for not just i was defected with complications but in and all of my private society and situations were put under the same darkness. hopeless and helpless was my world. no ray of positiveness. despite the fact that i was accompanied with all fair and decent convenience, advantages and bonds, i was not fortunate enough to avail all of its resources. sometimes having everything doesn't indeed mean you have it all. blessed are the ones who possess every bit of it just simple as that!
although i have seemed to be an active individual in daily activities, i always have truly been left all alone with my inner self right from I've known. fighting within me., with me., for me., to be me. the mission almost became an impossible one to succeed. it still is and seems like will always be.. yet, the battle and action never did take a break and has nearly not just become a part of me, but has completely jammed me full. comparatively, i am far fitting and exceptional in this two years time than ever before. again, that doesn't mean i am acceptable. though not through behavior or activities, it has taken an intimate root that can be thoroughly sensed and felt. all the shattering, disheartening, ruins, confusions, depressions, nuisances and mishaps that i am responsible for, do deserve my apologies. but then, expressions that fall out of time express nothing. and at times, leave an unexpected effect. estimating all the reactions, i have left behind the past.
schooling the facts and the bottom line of my survival has been such a burdensome course that is going to ever last.. thus swallowing the indigestible, i am on the serious move through which i wish at least not to mess up or make it uneasy for the rest anymore. the repenting, hopeless, worthless, disgusting, unacceptable, corrupted, sinful creature in short i am the imperfect me.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
feather in the cap!
that defines the state award that i bagged for the best female dubbing artist of the year 2007 for the movie mirugam.. well, then this post must clasp my experience with this dub and my emotion about scoring it.. if that is what is your expectation is, it is for sure going to land you in disappointment.. but trying my best to relate to this post leaves me with a little words..
the movie.. i have already worked with director sami and so it was easier to catch up with the rhythm.. abundant scope to reveal my talents.. hope i have made best use of it.. and about the award.. it was not a all of a sudden surprise nor was i driven into cloud nine.. was actually asked for the list of the movies that i have rendered my voice in the year 2007 and 2008.. and so i knew that i would surely get through.. though i had a number of powerful ones lined up from my own record, my firm hope was the movie poo.. as every field has its own dispute,the domestic affair was not a shock for me.. glad! that was the only feel that i had when i knew it was announced. and for a movie that took loads of my effort made me feel it a little more.. nothing more or less than that.. but the post effect of it made me understand a lots more..
the calls, the messages, the wishes.. most from people who are not even in the contact list of my mobile.. ones who have really lost being in touch.. some wholehearted.. a lot fake.. i am actually blessed with this power of making out the difference and to keep off them.. and so that stood as an example for the taste of success can gain you people around.. that was great and a must lesson.. the next is the identity it has shelled me with.. i am not a kind who wants to stamp my mark where ever i go or show off my existence in the field.. i maintain a low profile.. always.. so am still in the process of gelling with my new image.. nevertheless, i not going to take it to my head!
the attempt to recognize its result with my mental and private being has also let me identify my pathetic life span wider.. though i have never planned my life or even wished for a sort of, i am sure that this is not what i lack or need.. i could not picture it perfect.. but all i could make out is this is not it.. still, as I've learned that this plot is not just my play ground but also for the people around me, i am compelled to accept without any options left.. being a part of happiness, for the happy beings around me, is the only happiness that this being could have.. happily ever after..!
the movie.. i have already worked with director sami and so it was easier to catch up with the rhythm.. abundant scope to reveal my talents.. hope i have made best use of it.. and about the award.. it was not a all of a sudden surprise nor was i driven into cloud nine.. was actually asked for the list of the movies that i have rendered my voice in the year 2007 and 2008.. and so i knew that i would surely get through.. though i had a number of powerful ones lined up from my own record, my firm hope was the movie poo.. as every field has its own dispute,the domestic affair was not a shock for me.. glad! that was the only feel that i had when i knew it was announced. and for a movie that took loads of my effort made me feel it a little more.. nothing more or less than that.. but the post effect of it made me understand a lots more..
the calls, the messages, the wishes.. most from people who are not even in the contact list of my mobile.. ones who have really lost being in touch.. some wholehearted.. a lot fake.. i am actually blessed with this power of making out the difference and to keep off them.. and so that stood as an example for the taste of success can gain you people around.. that was great and a must lesson.. the next is the identity it has shelled me with.. i am not a kind who wants to stamp my mark where ever i go or show off my existence in the field.. i maintain a low profile.. always.. so am still in the process of gelling with my new image.. nevertheless, i not going to take it to my head!
the attempt to recognize its result with my mental and private being has also let me identify my pathetic life span wider.. though i have never planned my life or even wished for a sort of, i am sure that this is not what i lack or need.. i could not picture it perfect.. but all i could make out is this is not it.. still, as I've learned that this plot is not just my play ground but also for the people around me, i am compelled to accept without any options left.. being a part of happiness, for the happy beings around me, is the only happiness that this being could have.. happily ever after..!
Thursday, December 17, 2009
at last...
and so i am here after a long gap.. actually i have been trying to make my presence here several times. but i don't know why, it took me to a blank state of mind all the while i took the attempt.. finally, i won the blues and am commencing my come back.. nothings meaty.. just the same.. but as usual, have had various fears, feelings, thoughts, states and experiences.. after all, that is what is i am and if that is missing i would go mad! i sometimes wonder why i seem to be this much complicated.. why i think too much? there is so much happening within all the while.. imaginations, conclusions, realizations, visualizations, assumptions, analysis, assumes, judgments... complicated to the core.. i strongly believe that i am a real abnormal being. i wish i could have been ignorant, innocent and empty headed rather than holding the wisdom that will be left unexploded forever.. but i can't change the way i am and i don't truly want to, unless it plays all its pranks only with me and as far as it doesn't trouble my surrounding..
so mentioning about fear.. should say that it is a state of mind that has not occupied me mostly.. even at times when i undoubtedly deserved it, i have had this blind boldness alternating most of the times.. and bringing up this to my conscience now, is helping me out to find one of the reasons for my hatred towards the person i am today.. well, i think i have to work out about this in time.. i guess i will do.. so back about my feel of fear.. all of a sudden my life seemed to take a fast forward in my mind and it was a total empty.. future holds nothing for me.. it was a long time truth that stroke me very late as it was happens to most of my cases.. and realizing that i can do nothing about it is what has driven me insane.. but exactly from the beginning, this has been my position.. handling it was never easy and neither will be.. just have to take it as i always have..
so mentioning about fear.. should say that it is a state of mind that has not occupied me mostly.. even at times when i undoubtedly deserved it, i have had this blind boldness alternating most of the times.. and bringing up this to my conscience now, is helping me out to find one of the reasons for my hatred towards the person i am today.. well, i think i have to work out about this in time.. i guess i will do.. so back about my feel of fear.. all of a sudden my life seemed to take a fast forward in my mind and it was a total empty.. future holds nothing for me.. it was a long time truth that stroke me very late as it was happens to most of my cases.. and realizing that i can do nothing about it is what has driven me insane.. but exactly from the beginning, this has been my position.. handling it was never easy and neither will be.. just have to take it as i always have..
Saturday, October 31, 2009
blue - the disaster
though my choice was wake up sid, happened to watch blue as it was kanna's preference.. such a waste of time.. i really can't understand how they could get down into a project that is the highest budget Indian movie on date without an good script.. nothing was interesting other than the audience attraction and expectation which also went in vain as the reason is mentioned above.. an unbelievable masala with nothing to hold back the viewers in seat.. very slow narration and poor screen play as they have made up the story just keeping the underwater treasure concept in mind i guess.. with a fresh and innovative concept, they could have made up lots of good stuffs.. soo many top class technicians have failed to do justice.. totally, a disaster..
Saturday, October 10, 2009
random thoughts - childhood
i have so many memories that stay alive in my mind always.. lots which may seem very boring yet that has marked its impact.. so to make easier, i just thought of splashing it off with a sub title that refers to a period in my life span.. now, as i am to start with childhood as my first sub title in the random thoughts list, it will have memories of my school life and incidents before my teenage.. i will have no space to put down all that i have in my mind.. but sure that this little, will be a very long one.. so here it goes..
* i am very good at remembering things.. not always. but can say that the ones that i really want to.. i have so many memories right from the age of 3.. i don't think it is possible with everyone..
* to get on with one of my oldest memories, i remember how one of my family person used to sow ill thoughts about my mom at the age of three or so and the result of it that made me stay away from my mom.. those were the times when i was off my home and only used to get back once in a week or so. the times my mom used to come to take me home after her whole day packed schedule and the way i used to act as if i am far asleep.. infinite times of calls that i have avoided.. so much.. i feel very sorry and ashamed of my behavior.. but at that age i was helpless.. sorry ma.. really am.. (the so called family member is no more a person in my world)
(this was also one of the main reasons why i don't let god be a priority in my life)
* when i was in my second standard, i was famous in my class for horror stories.. once the bell rings for break, all the class will surround me to hear my stupid build up stories.. this led to a mother of a girl complaining to the class teacher that her daughter fell sick and was not able to sleep all night.. though a complaint, it was a kind of compliment to my story telling skills..!
* right from i was in my pre school standards, i had music period in my school.. our music master used to play rhymes while we sing along.. i used to watch his fingers playing the chords and would try it later which made me familiar with the other students.. that was when my music journey started i guess..! hahaha..
* discipline.. this word was well maintained until i was in school and one of the most important aspects i miss these days.. still trying to catch up..
* hindi was one subject that i always kept off from.. the only reason for it was my concern subject teacher.. she was a very partial person a rude one too.. that made me grow hatred towards the language itself and i would lack marks only in this subject.. otherwise i was a bright student.. this experience has made me learn that how important a teacher is and how much this person could influence in a child's future..
* i was known for my drawing skills right from my fourth standard.. i have had loads of appreciation from many and it has become one of my firm passions..
* once when i was late to school i was made to stand out of the class along with many other who were late too.. i was in my fifth standard then and my teacher's name was Mrs.Alma.. everyone were questioned the reason why they were late.. each came up with reasons like traffic, bus delay and so on and were been punished.. when it was my turn i came with an answer saying that i woke up late in the morning.. the teacher appreciated me for being honest though it was a lame excuse.. and the term end, i had a remark referring that am a honest child in my report card.. i don't know how true that is, but i will say that i am honest to some extent..
* red is my favorite color.. and the reason is that it has been associated with me since i was a kid.. in school we were put into four groups that had a name and color to identify each.. i was in St.Catherines, the red group.. i worked hard for my group as all are performances earned points for it.. it used to give me happiness that i have contributed for the success of my team.. since then, no matter what i am so particular about the shade..
* dance.. as i am trained in barathanatyam, no wonder i had many to admire my dancing art.. when i was in seventh, we had a state level inter school cultural and i alone composed the dance for a performance which included the whole class.. it gained me a lot of fame in my school..!
that is me
* Archana.. i was crazy about this girl during my school days.. i could not make out an explanation why.. but it was a kind of silly feeling..
* it seems that i was a photo freak when i was a kid..! it is said that once i was called for a snap, i would rush into the dressing room, make over myself and pose with all cheese..!
* TV and movies were one of favorite pass times then.. no matter what is going on, i would sit soo close to TV and keep watching until my eyes start flowing with tears.. maybe, this this is the reason why i hate to watch it now.. too much of anything goes in vain in some point..
* all of a sudden when i was in my fourth standard, i started missing my mom as i was not staying with her at that time and was weeping one whole night.. the next day i called her and said that i wanted to be with her.. she said that she would not be able to accommodate with all the facilities which i was provided then.. but as i insisted her to take me home even it would be tough for me, i was back home.. though not easy, we both were much happier together..
miss you mom
* i had this akka called Vanaja as my tuition teacher.. she was such a sweet, cute, friendly, talented, naughty and talented girl.. she was good at soo many things.. the rapport between she and mother was awesome.. they were a lovely family.. i have had soo many joyful moments in their place.. rangoli, cards, carom, business, cooking, dance.. both she and her mom were masters of these games and arts.. we would watch WWF all the while.. she was a good teacher too. we got trained in barathanatyam together.. love you akka..
vanaja akka
* i am very good at remembering things.. not always. but can say that the ones that i really want to.. i have so many memories right from the age of 3.. i don't think it is possible with everyone..
* to get on with one of my oldest memories, i remember how one of my family person used to sow ill thoughts about my mom at the age of three or so and the result of it that made me stay away from my mom.. those were the times when i was off my home and only used to get back once in a week or so. the times my mom used to come to take me home after her whole day packed schedule and the way i used to act as if i am far asleep.. infinite times of calls that i have avoided.. so much.. i feel very sorry and ashamed of my behavior.. but at that age i was helpless.. sorry ma.. really am.. (the so called family member is no more a person in my world)
(this was also one of the main reasons why i don't let god be a priority in my life)
* when i was in my second standard, i was famous in my class for horror stories.. once the bell rings for break, all the class will surround me to hear my stupid build up stories.. this led to a mother of a girl complaining to the class teacher that her daughter fell sick and was not able to sleep all night.. though a complaint, it was a kind of compliment to my story telling skills..!
* right from i was in my pre school standards, i had music period in my school.. our music master used to play rhymes while we sing along.. i used to watch his fingers playing the chords and would try it later which made me familiar with the other students.. that was when my music journey started i guess..! hahaha..
* discipline.. this word was well maintained until i was in school and one of the most important aspects i miss these days.. still trying to catch up..
* hindi was one subject that i always kept off from.. the only reason for it was my concern subject teacher.. she was a very partial person a rude one too.. that made me grow hatred towards the language itself and i would lack marks only in this subject.. otherwise i was a bright student.. this experience has made me learn that how important a teacher is and how much this person could influence in a child's future..
* i was known for my drawing skills right from my fourth standard.. i have had loads of appreciation from many and it has become one of my firm passions..
* once when i was late to school i was made to stand out of the class along with many other who were late too.. i was in my fifth standard then and my teacher's name was Mrs.Alma.. everyone were questioned the reason why they were late.. each came up with reasons like traffic, bus delay and so on and were been punished.. when it was my turn i came with an answer saying that i woke up late in the morning.. the teacher appreciated me for being honest though it was a lame excuse.. and the term end, i had a remark referring that am a honest child in my report card.. i don't know how true that is, but i will say that i am honest to some extent..
* red is my favorite color.. and the reason is that it has been associated with me since i was a kid.. in school we were put into four groups that had a name and color to identify each.. i was in St.Catherines, the red group.. i worked hard for my group as all are performances earned points for it.. it used to give me happiness that i have contributed for the success of my team.. since then, no matter what i am so particular about the shade..
* dance.. as i am trained in barathanatyam, no wonder i had many to admire my dancing art.. when i was in seventh, we had a state level inter school cultural and i alone composed the dance for a performance which included the whole class.. it gained me a lot of fame in my school..!
that is me
* Archana.. i was crazy about this girl during my school days.. i could not make out an explanation why.. but it was a kind of silly feeling..
* it seems that i was a photo freak when i was a kid..! it is said that once i was called for a snap, i would rush into the dressing room, make over myself and pose with all cheese..!
* TV and movies were one of favorite pass times then.. no matter what is going on, i would sit soo close to TV and keep watching until my eyes start flowing with tears.. maybe, this this is the reason why i hate to watch it now.. too much of anything goes in vain in some point..
* all of a sudden when i was in my fourth standard, i started missing my mom as i was not staying with her at that time and was weeping one whole night.. the next day i called her and said that i wanted to be with her.. she said that she would not be able to accommodate with all the facilities which i was provided then.. but as i insisted her to take me home even it would be tough for me, i was back home.. though not easy, we both were much happier together..
miss you mom
* i had this akka called Vanaja as my tuition teacher.. she was such a sweet, cute, friendly, talented, naughty and talented girl.. she was good at soo many things.. the rapport between she and mother was awesome.. they were a lovely family.. i have had soo many joyful moments in their place.. rangoli, cards, carom, business, cooking, dance.. both she and her mom were masters of these games and arts.. we would watch WWF all the while.. she was a good teacher too. we got trained in barathanatyam together.. love you akka..
vanaja akka
* was in my first standard then..myself and vanathi were late to school one day and we both were classmates, area mates and as well rickshaw mates.. we decided to get back home as we were frightened of our class teacher.. we took off at 9a.m.. we some what knew the route and started walking up.. right at 1, as hunger rang it's bell we sat in a corner of the platform and finished off our lunch and hooked up with our journey again.. when we almost reached our area, we had both our family people running towards us who started beating us.. then was it we knew it was 5.30 in the eve.. we took such a long time to reach back home that was just one bus stop ahead..!
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