at last...

and so i am here after a long gap.. actually i have been trying to make my presence here several times. but i don't know why, it took me to a blank state of mind all the while i took the attempt.. finally, i won the blues and am commencing my come back.. nothings meaty.. just the same.. but as usual, have had various fears, feelings, thoughts, states and experiences.. after all, that is what is i am and if that is missing i would go mad! i sometimes wonder why i seem to be this much complicated.. why i think too much? there is so much happening within all the while.. imaginations, conclusions, realizations, visualizations, assumptions, analysis, assumes, judgments... complicated to the core.. i strongly believe that i am a real abnormal being. i wish i could have been ignorant, innocent and empty headed rather than holding the wisdom that will be left unexploded forever.. but i can't change the way i am and i don't truly want to, unless it plays all its pranks only with me and as far as it doesn't trouble my surrounding..

so mentioning about fear.. should say that it is a state of mind that has not occupied me mostly.. even at times when i undoubtedly deserved it, i have had this blind boldness alternating most of the times.. and bringing up this to my conscience now, is helping me out to find one of the reasons for my hatred towards the person i am today.. well, i think i have to work out about this in time.. i guess i will do.. so back about my feel of fear.. all of a sudden my life seemed to take a fast forward in my mind and it was a total empty.. future holds nothing for me.. it was a long time truth that stroke me very late as it was happens to most of my cases.. and realizing that i can do nothing about it is what has driven me insane.. but exactly from the beginning, this has been my position.. handling it was never easy and neither will be.. just have to take it as i always have..