imperfect me...

imperfect me...
it is titled so as this post is a self realization note of myself of all the times i remember. i remember means, right from the age of 3 as i am a heavy holder\loader of memories. had actually gone through too many options for the title. with all the recollections of myself in the full length of my stay and acknowledging the deepest me, i had titles like bad, ugly and the worst, self realization, the other side and so on in the list. but at last i felt a simple word would fit in better.

to begin with a wider view, i have to remind that almost the entire of us do not indeed realize who we are , what we need or even what we are up to. and when it is personal, reality always falls out of focus. and to point out, what is right and what not is left to our private view only up to an extend. but that is completely forgotten in this fast paced going. kindness, love and care have become some of the limited editions of today's human condition. the intense essence of living is almost extinct and all kinds of fake substance are believed to be the essentials of survival in the name of practicality. watching movies like tare zameen par and anbe sivam stirs your inner most self leaving you with a transparent view of the basics to a complete person and actual living. still, the race gives its call and we are pulled towards our commitments and competitions to mark our foot prints in the history. and in the pull, completeness falls back.

whatever, the title of this post absolutely claims personally and what i feel i genuinely am. and this is a matter of fact that i have started catching upon only in the recent times. from deep within and with all my conscience i declare that i have turned even the utmost rotten part of me at several situations of this twenty five years of journey. there have been times when nothing was cared or seemed to matter in my world, from both sides. mine and the people around me. that was the way i have gone through most of my life span. gratitude, loyalty, kindness, love, ethics. i had no definition for these words. to put it in other words and to come up with the fact, it can even be said as, i had none to give one.. life has not been kind to me and so was i to all.. never knew the destination which automatically did not put me under any kind of pressure or force to chose the path. elements that mattered to me the most and considered to be the essential part of living and could not do without but unfortunately was not blessed with, made me run in search of all the while and clocked up my whole space, keeping me apart from the standard lifestyle. the bitter part of this status was that i never let anyone know what i was going through in real as i had no one who had time for me and so with no other choice, i wore not just a single mask to keep me off from the world, but a ton that i pathetically had to, even after realizing none of it fitted me.. one factor i want to particularly be detailed about is with the phase no one who had time for me. i consider myself that much cursed and damned for not just i was defected with complications but in and all of my private society and situations were put under the same darkness. hopeless and helpless was my world. no ray of positiveness. despite the fact that i was accompanied with all fair and decent convenience, advantages and bonds, i was not fortunate enough to avail all of its resources. sometimes having everything doesn't indeed mean you have it all. blessed are the ones who possess every bit of it just simple as that!

although i have seemed to be an active individual in daily activities, i always have truly been left all alone with my inner self right from I've known. fighting within me., with me., for me., to be me. the mission almost became an impossible one to succeed. it still is and seems like will always be.. yet, the battle and action never did take a break and has nearly not just become a part of me, but has completely jammed me full. comparatively, i am far fitting and exceptional in this two years time than ever before. again, that doesn't mean i am acceptable. though not through behavior or activities, it has taken an intimate root that can be thoroughly sensed and felt. all the shattering, disheartening, ruins, confusions, depressions, nuisances and mishaps that i am responsible for, do deserve my apologies. but then, expressions that fall out of time express nothing. and at times, leave an unexpected effect. estimating all the reactions, i have left behind the past.

schooling the facts and the bottom line of my survival has been such a burdensome course that is going to ever last.. thus swallowing the indigestible, i am on the serious move through which i wish at least not to mess up or make it uneasy for the rest anymore. the repenting, hopeless, worthless, disgusting, unacceptable, corrupted, sinful creature in short i am the imperfect me.