can't take anymore...

i'm actually not in the mood of blogging.. i am literally broken into tears.. but still i am here because this is the place where i can spill everything that i have taken all the way long and could take no more.. i promise that i have never ever wanted to mess up anybodies life and happiness or play with others feelings.. i respect everyone's role and am not a person who finds excitement in others downfall or enjoys their defeat.. i try to be a good person, not only for what the view is, but from within.. and yes. i cannot say that it worked out always to my favor. at times, if i happen to hurt others by my deeds or words without my knowledge, i always feels bad for it and ashamed of my behavior. i accept that i am not a very sportive person, who mingles right away or is there for everyone who reach out to me.. i have build a wall to keep others off me. i have only a very few ones whom i pay attention to, and stay far from people i don't care much for..

even then, when i hear of speeches about me, that are not true, it really really hurts a lot.. and i don't know the reason why.. this is one thing i have always faced since i've known. though i tend to take it straight, i am still a normal soul.. this could be a simple matter.. but to me, it is not the same way. i take everything to my heart and all this has left me with a broken one. maybe they are people who have fun doing so or just do it to kill time.. i don't know how they could act as though they love us immensely when they actually speak soo much ill about us at our back.. what kind of a human could they be? maybe they should be out of their sense that they are actually one.. and the worst thing i've ever felt was, i have had no one to question for me.. even the ones who are not on the right track, have their backup neither from their parents nor from their family and friends.. but in my case, i have always been left alone as i really am.. and the funniest part is that all the above mentioned backups have been in the opposite side to join hands.. with no one by my side, all this has made me question myself a lot of times if i truly am a soul worth living.. you no, what is use of your life when your contribution is nothing to anyone.. living for yourself is one kind.. finding your life in others love for you is another.. i belong to the latter.. not exactly, but i am trying to take everything positive and imagine that this loneliness has made me a better me and console myself.. afterall, life is nothing when you get everything..